mystoryorhistory

The news the last couple of months of what I am going to call “The Trump Papers” is moving from reality TV to a comedy show being playing out in the News and Social Media. The dilemma is the News is playing it out as a crime story. This is what makes it so confusing. It is a political/dramatic comedy that falls into being a farce at times. The News and Social Media should turn it over to Warner Bros, the Coen Brothers or Netflix as an episodic show that streams weekly.

The problem is there needs to be a comic hero. I am not sure in this political dramedy, who the comic hero is. A comic hero is a prerequisite for a dramatic comedy. The obvious choice is Donald Trump. However, I do not see him experiencing any sort of change. A catharsis in character is not in his disposition to make current matters better, a condition required in a dramedy. It can’t be Joe Biden–there is just no drama there and very little humor. Robert De Niro already did War with Grandpa.

Although I have never been involved in any sort of theatrical production–I did see Oliver! at a community theater–I am going to take a stab at pitching a series. It is a series that writes itself but with a team of good writers and literary license this could be a Game of Thrones without dragons. The new show begins at the end of January, the last days of the Trump Administration. Boxed up documents are being loaded up for Trump’s Palm Beach estate, Mar-a-Lago. For dramatic effect the first episode, A Box Full of Docs, opens with boxes being carted out the back door of the White House onto a UHaul under the watchful eyes of two Russians guards. Meanwhile, in the Rose Garden, staffers are burning documents in 50 gallon drums, as if the Red Army was descending on gates of Berlin in 1945. The fire lights up the night sending embers out over the National Mall and the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. Insided, others are flushing documents down toilets as quickly as they can unclog the drains. The episode ends with the credits rolling over water swirling down the drain.

Episode Two follows the activities of the National Archives and Records Administration. The NARA is tipped off to 15 missing boxes stashed in the basement of Mar-a-Lago. A possible mole in the Trump Organization? (A teaser for future episodes.) J.K. Simmons plays the role of the chief of the NARA, a role similar to the one he played in the Coen Brothers’ movie Burn After Reading. His lead inspector on the case is Tom Hanks channeling Detective Columbo. When given the assignment to check out the basement of Mar-a-Lago he tells the chief he is not sure there is a basement. Most houses in South Florida do not have basements because of a high water table. Plus Mar-a-Lago sits between the Lake Worth Lagoon and the Atlantic Ocean. Digging deep is not really an option. But for theatrical effect, picture a damp dungeon with wet-glazed walls oozing with the moldy smell of damp underwear. A place where heretics were tortured during the Inquisition.

The dedicated men and women of the NARA are not Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible or Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry. But they are just as tenacious when it comes to government documents. They may have the appearances of mild mannered librarians and archivists but deep down they are like terriers, Jack Russells or Rat Terriers. Small but fierce. They will track down, and go underground if need be to hunt down vermin. Soon, they have their nose on Trump’s stashed cache of documents. Episode Three is, as Sherlock Holmes would say to Watson: The Game is Afoot.

By Episode Four however, the NARA terriers are getting frisky. They send Detective Columbo to Florida in Fishing for the Great White. Columbo knocks on the gilded gates of Mar-a-Lago and is stiff-armed by security guards who hustle him from one supervisor to another. But the terrier he is, despite being told several times to vacate the premises, is undaunted. Columbo is telling them, “I know. That’s what the other three guards told me, but I’d like to look around.”

Finally, Trump, played by John Malkovich, comes down. He gives Columbo a brief tour of the grounds as they make their way to the room where the documents are stored. The light flicks on and cockroaches race around the room like kids playing musical chairs. A rat scurries into crevice to god knows where. Columbo inspects the room.

When they are finished Trump escorts Columbo to the Gate and the conversation turns away from the documents to the estate itself. “This is a lovely place my wife would love to spend a day at that spa I saw.” To which Trump replies, “That is no problem. It is $2,000 a night. But for you detective I’ll wave the $200,000 initiation fee and the $15,000 annual dues.” Columbo stops and rubs his forehead. “Whew. And I thought the $260 we spent at the Grand Hotel Ocean City using Bookings. com last year was expensive. With what you charge here I think you can afford a dehumidifier for the storage room. Oh, and a couple boxes of Roach Motels. And another thing. I couldn’t help but notice those boxes are marked Top Secret.”

But Trump is not your ordinary suspect. His disposition is like a Great White needing a root canal. So prying the boxes away from him is like taking a pair of pliers to a highly agitated Carcharodon Carcharias–Carcharodon from the Greek word karcharos which means sharp, and odous which means tooth. And like in the movie Jaws, the NARA needs a bigger boat.

The NARA calls for the big dogs to get off the front porch and help in the hunt. Enter the Justice Department and Episode Five: “Got a tip they’re gonna kick the door in again…But if you got a warrant, I guess you’re gonna come in.” The dazed and somewhat confused looking Attorney General, Merrick Garland played by David Strathairn (League of the Own, We are Marsharshall) sends in the FBI. Under the command of Denzel Washington. Agents force their way through the front gate while the Rock leads a group of agents landing by helicopter on the croquet court. To cut off any possible removal of the documents via the Lake Worth Lagoon, Chris Pratt storms ashore in Rigid Hull Inflatable Boats with more agents.

Finally, the NARA gets the boxes. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the stressed-out overworked archivist in charge of the team going through the boxes. The Justice Department is breathing down her neck. This is when the subpoenas started flying around like blood sucking mosquitoes on a hot, humid Florida night. News organizations the MAGA universe want to know what is in those boxes. Rumors have it that there is definitive proof that the Moon landings were faked and that aliens abducted Jimmy Hoffa.

Episode 6: The Feeding Frenzy. There is blood in the water and the sharks begin to circle. Soon the water is a froth. Christopher Lloyd makes a brief appearance as the totally befuddled Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley. At a press conference with Senator Ron Johnson, played by Chevy Chase they describe how the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was similar to the US Navy Seal Team 6 assault on Bin Laden’s Pakistani compound. All that was lacking where the stealth, black-painted Blackhawk helicopters.

The media chimes in. Pundits and experts are pouring out of cars like clowns to give their expert opinons at FOX News, MSNBC and CNN. Steve Carell as Hannity forcefully proclaims the President has a legal right to the documents–as well as all of NASA’s electronic communications with Aliens outside our galaxy. Amy Schumer is the frustrated and unbelieving Lora Ingram on how stupid the President’s lawyers are. Did they go to the same law school as Saul Goodman? Jack Black is the unbelieving confused Tucker Carlson expressing the belief that these documents could be anything, maybe documents from 1917 declassified 10 years ago. Bill Burr, goes on a Morning Joe rant about the lies–how many? A dozen already. But tune in because the count is going up and so are the ratings.

Because this is a TV show we have literary license to skew the story line a bit. The season’s finale is Tina Fey totally immersed portraying Fresh Air’s Terry Gross. She interviews Lewis Black, Bill O’Reilly, who says that Trump needs the documents for a new book. Together, with the former president, they are writing a book: Killing NATO. The interview quickly turns sour. O’Reilly has had enough of Terry’s badgering questions and lunges for her. Mike Tyson, the show’s floor manager, steps in to restrain the enraged O’Reilly.

Season Two: Is Forty-Five being fitted for an orange jumpsuit or does the defunded FBI fall under the control of the Fifth Service, Russia’s FSB? Stay tuned to the never ending Trump Saga. The show that writes itself and cannot be canceled.

Meanwhile, from the Arconia in New York, Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez are broadcasting their new podcast: Only Documents in the Basement.